Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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