someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
