HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
