1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
