I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
