woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
