what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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