fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
the day after is always just damage control
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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