Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
