Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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