I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
