Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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