when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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