Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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