I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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