i barfeds in our rink
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
