Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
