dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
