what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
