Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
