____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we're making bets on your personal life
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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