I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
