i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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