Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
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my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
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I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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