I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Sext me about skeletons
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
