i just sent this text using only my big toe
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
