im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
