Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.