I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.