why didn't you poke me back
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.