I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz