I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
