my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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