I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
