Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i drank out of a bidet.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
