I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
