I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
