True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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