got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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