i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
