Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
