I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
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I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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