Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
