She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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