I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
