Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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