This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
