My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize