the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize