he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I will pee on everything he values.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
