Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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