dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
