I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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