peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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