Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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